Chapter Text
“Um, this is The Dan Morris Show and I’m Dan Morris. And today I ask that you forgive how red my eyes look or if I sound a little hoarse. No, I do not have allergies. No, I do not have a cold. No, I have not been smoking the ganga. Let’s talk about why you’re all here: the Providence Falconers are dead.”
“For those of you who have been in isolation. I assume on some type of meditative trip deep into the mountains where cell service and the internet cannot hurt you, let me fill you in. Yesterday afternoon on a Friday afternoon news dump it was announced that the Providence Falconers were sold to the Forbes Investment Group and at the end of this season – because it’s not like we’re making the playoffs this year, so around April – the team will be moved to Kansas City, Kansas where I assume they will be renamed and rebranded and, like the teams of yesteryear, the Falconers will rot and fade into the answers that no one gets at bar trivia.”
“I am —no, let’s not go there yet. Facts. We will stick to the facts.”
“So, facts. As of Friday, this is officially the last season that the Providence Falconers will play in Providence. It’s the last season the Falconers will exist. Like the Atlanta Thrashers, and the Quebec Nordquies, and the Hartford Whalers, the Providence Falconers are being moved to a more, quote unquote, viable market. The official reasons are that the owner's health has been failing and the lack of sales. Unofficially it’s because the Falcs are losers who can’t compete with the bigger hockey markets of Boston, New York, and New Jersey, and the owner was sick of it. But that’s just unofficially.”
“I am—distraught is too simple of a word but it’s the only one I can think of. I am distraught. My—my team. My team is being taken from me. It’s being taken from all of us. The fans. The blood and sweat and tears we have poured into this team means nothing. Nothing. And I can’t stand it.”
“What am I supposed to do? I love hockey, but more than that, I love Falconers hockey. And this will be the end of it. It’s like I was just told that a loved one has incurable cancer. Less then six months to live. Because that’s what this is. A death sentence through no fault of the players, the fans, or the city. This rests solely on the owners who couldn’t make it work and an ownership group who couldn’t manage to find a decent GM and Head Coach if their lives depended on it.”
“God, I’m so mad. I have been following this team for over a decade, man. I’ve gone to countless games. Cheered when we succeeded, cursed and cried when we were defeated, but at the end of the day I still had hope. Maybe next year. Yeah, next year’s our year.”
“Only there isn’t going to be a next year!”
“I was there at the first Falcs game. Bobbie Thompson threw me a puck. I still have it. Great guy. Played twelve seasons before being forced to retire due to complications caused by concussions. But he still shows up for the big moments for the Falcs. When Randall Robinson was named Captain I was at his first game. When the Falcs signed Jack Zimmermann, the prodigal son of the NHL, I did a break-down video of what it meant that the Falcs were willing to take a chance on someone who had struggled so openly with addiction. What that meant to this community. What it meant to us. And when they traded him in the off-season despite him being one of our best players, I wished him nothing but the best. I trusted this organization. That they were doing what needed to be done for this team.”
“I was a fool.”
“I was at the first Falcs game and by god, I will be at the last. Because while the NHL may have given up on this team, we did not give up on it. And I will always remember that.”
“I’ve had a couple of people reach out and ask what I plan to do. If I’ll keep making videos. Um, I don’t really have a solid plan right now. I will still make my videos about the Falcs for as long as the Falcs exist. After that, I don’t know. I want to keep creating. I love this sport. I love it. But I’m hurt, guys. I’m really hurt.”
“So we’ll see. The future is unknown. The NHL can have their Kansas City team but it’s not my team. My team was, and is, and will always be: the Providence Falconers.”
“I don’t really have a good way to end this. I know you guys thought I might have more information or something more coherent to say, but uh, I don’t. I just don’t. I’m human and I’m hurt and right now I really wish this was all a bad dream. So, until next time, I’m Dan Morris and this is the Dan Morris Show.”
***
Jen Belguard for TSVA @jenbelguard
With the removal of the Providence Falconers from RI, this becomes the second franchise that has been relocated under Commissioner Bettman’s tenure. Should GMs be concerned about stability and franchise longevity under Bettman?
Jen Belguard for TSVA @jenbelguard
Jack Zimmermann, former Falconer and current Las Vegas Ace, said: “It’s a real shame. I hope all the guys find a welcoming home in Kansas, and that a team can be returned to Providence soon.”
Jen Belguard for TSVA @jenbelguard
Charles Fitzgerald, former Falc and current member of the Montreal Canadiens, said in a short and to the point statement: “This bites.”
Jen Belguard for TSVA @jenbelguard
The current captain of the Falcs, Alexei Mashkov, refused to comment at this time.
Jen Belguard for TSVA @jenbelguard
My latest piece Under Water: How Greed and Missteps Led to the End of the Falconers is out now
***
hockey poetry for dummies
[a photo of Randall Robinson in his Providence Falconers gear on the ice, his head bowed during the national anthem, the lighting green and dramatic against his dark skin and hair, with the words, “On this date, Michelangelo said yes/ to the pope and gathered his brushes.” typed across it]
[a photo of Alexei Mashkov, the bright white C of Captaincy on his jersey, looking serious and grim into the camera, his eyes hard and angry, with the words “At the church next door, the choir is rehearsing. There is nothing/ I want to rehearse.” typed across it]
[a photo of Bobbie Thompson in the first Providence Falconers jersey battling for a puck with a Boston Bruin, unaware of the player behind him skating at full speed towards him, with the words “Recently I’ve been realizing,” typed across it]
[a photo of Jack Zimmermann and Charles Fitzgerald in their Falconers gear embracing in a celly during Game 3 of Round 1 of the 2016 Stanley Cup Playoffs, with the words “If that didn’t exist, I would never miss it.” typed across it]
[a photo of Alexi Peka skating down the ice in his Falconers gear, a fearsome grin on his face, with the words, “I say it a lot.” typed across it]
[a black and white photo that is the first Falconers team on the top half and the last Falconers team in color on the bottom half, with the words, “But not about you.” typed across it]
#hockey #hockey poetry #providence falconers #While the Dog Sleeps by Jack Ridl #jack zimmermann #charles fitzgerald #alexi peka #alexie mashkov #randall robinson #bobbi thompson #my heart goes out to the falcs and their fans #heartbreaking #like i know providence has the bruins ahl team #but it’s not the same
***
ADAM: Welcome back to Slapshot Nation. I’m your host Adam Ross and joining me today are friends of the podcast Jessie Armstrong and Vinny Torus. Lots going on in the NHL and we’re going to try and touch on as much of it as we can. First up, brief overview of the standings. Habs are currently first in the Atlantic to the surprise of, well, pretty much everyone.
VINNY: They’re pulling an Aces!
JESSIE: What an insane turn around from last year. Finishing at the bottom of the league to the point that they got the first overall pick, and now leading the Atlantic with two games in hand. Just such a stellar start.
VINNY: We always knew the Habs had the talent but now it seems like they’re finally healthy and putting it all together.
ADAM: It’s great to see but you have to admit it is a dramatic turn around from last season.
JESSIE: I mean, it is only the beginning of the season. Remember how last year they started hot too and then over half their roster was on IR or LTIR by January? We’ll just have to hope that it goes well going forward.
ADAM: Don’t hope too hard. Leafs are third in the Atlantic right now.
VINNY: As, of course, is tradition. But with the Habs I have to give credit to them for how they’re handling Krack’s introduction to the NHL. They are giving him limited but strategic minutes, keeping him centering that third line, and it really has paid off in how much more confident Krack is on the ice now.
JESSIE: This new coaching staff really does seem to understand that you can’t ride rookies into the ground and then expect them to do well the entire 82 game season. Really refreshing to see.
ADAM: To be fair, the Habs actually have the talent to insulate Krack. Like Tedrovick has developed into a 1C that no one in the league wants to tangle with.
VINNY: He’s so tall and yet so angry. And for what? Shouldn’t being that tall mellow you out?
ADAM: I don’t know. Jessie, thoughts?
JESSIE: I’m barely six feet. Do not lump me into the giant basket with Tedrovick. That man can go through intersections in a single bound.
ADAM: That’s what a giant would say. But getting back to it. Fitzgerald has just come leaps and bounds. Like we always knew he was going to be a game changer when he played on the Falcs but I don’t think we knew how much.
VINNY: Putting him at center was such a good choice. Such a good choice with his play making ability. He finally has the room to play his game. He was a perfectly serviceable winger but what a hidden gem of a center he’s turned out to be.
ADAM: And the new Captain, Ryan Burlington, has been spicy both on and off the ice.
JESSIE: I have to admit, I am a little bit surprised at how much leeway the Montreal media is willing to give Burlington. The man pulls no punches when talking about social issues or players.
VINNY: He’s one of the few hockey players willing to show a personality. Don’t want to scare him off.
ADAM: The winning also probably helps.
VINNY: That too.
ADAM: The Metro is –woof– what to say about the Metro. Guys, help me out.
JESSIE: Aside from Carolina and the Rangers it’s just jumpball at this point. The Caps will go on a three game winning streak followed by a three game losing streak. And they’re still third in the division because everyone else stinks. The Flyers seem to lose every other game in the weirdest way possible and the Pens have just had a terrible start. Garbage goaltending and no defense.
VINNY: The less said about the Blue Jackets and the Devils the better.
ADAM: Rough times in the Mid-tro. Moving to the West. Once again, where hockey boys go to become hockey men. Let’s break it down. The Central is promising to be a knock-out drag-out fight between the Avs, the Stars, the Jets, and the Preds. Each team is about a point or two apart right now and it could change at any moment.
JESSIE: It’s just good hockey. But don’t rule out the Blues just yet. I know they’ve had a slow start but I think they’ve got something cooking.
VINNY: Did you guys catch the Avs v. Stars game the other night? Nail biter the entire time.
ADAM: And in the Pacific there is a great hue and cry because the Aces, the reigning champs are, gasp, third in their division. Guys, come on. The reaction to this is so utterly ridiculous. And this is coming from a Leafs fan.
VINNY: I’m fine with it.
ADAM: Yes, but you are a reasonable person.
JESSIE: Let’s not go that far.
VINNY: Hey! I can be reasonable…sometimes.
ADAM: I’m not surprised that the Aces are having somewhat of a slow start to the season. They had a ridiculously short off-season because, oh right, they won the Stanley Cup. A ton of their top guys just got back from injury. I’m talking Parson, Zimmermann, Kliner. Not to mention all the injuries to their goalies. Did everyone forget that Rebenson is out forever? They have a rookie goaltender –and yes, Vinny, before you start, Hollis has been great for them but he is still just a rookie – and there have been some shifting of the lines. I expect they’ll pick it up. And, before anyone freaks out, they’re still in a playoffs spot!
JESSIE: I think it’s people rewriting last season in their minds. Like because the Aces won the Cup they just pretend that last year the Aces totally dominated during the entire season. Which we know isn’t true. They had some bad losses in November last year too. But they’ll work it out and by the end of the regular season no one will remember that.
VINNY: It’s true. If you win the whole thing then no one cares about a regular season loss here or there. I certainly don’t.
ADAM: Plus, the Schooners are at the top of the Pacific division which makes sense because they have something to prove after their first round exit last year.
JESSIE: You would know all about first round exits, wouldn’t you, Adam?
ADAM: Hush. The point is, I’m not worried about the Aces. I think the fact that the Ducks are in the second place spot in the Pacific is astonishing.
JESSIE: Yeah, but they’ve played five more games than most of the teams in their division.
ADAM: Really?
VINNY: Yeah, this year's schedule sucks. It doesn’t get close to even until February. It’s like that across nearly all the divisions.
ADAM: Who designed this? This is so stupid.
JESSIE: It comes down to broadcasting rights. Hockey isn’t considered a priority sport for broadcasting in the US, which is where most of the games are played, so we’re competing with network slots with things like football, baseball, and basketball. And hockey is often the and-sport. You know, like you can watch tennis and there is a hockey game on. And this isn’t even getting into the national rights versus regional rights issue. Whenever you see a tight back-to-back, like with the Aces with that Montreal-Detroit back-to-back, you can generally assume broadcasting rights were involved in deciding those start times.
ADAM: I stand by my earlier statement. This is dumb.
JESSIE: Oh completely. And broadcasting rights aren’t up until 2024 so nothing is going to change anytime soon.
ADAM: Not a real league, man.
VINNY: Why can’t we just stream the games on YouTube?
JESSIE: Broadcasting rights.
ADAM: Ha! For those of you listening at home Jessie just did jazz hands.
VINNY: Should we talk about the Falcs?
JESSIE: Should we? Yes. Do I want to? Uuuugh.
ADAM: For those of you who missed the news over the weekend, the Providence Falconers have officially been sold and are set to be moved from Providence, Rhode Island to Kansas City –it’s Kansas, right? Not Kansas City, Missouri?
VINNY: It’s in Kansas, right? I mean, Kansas is in the name.
JESSIE: Yeah, but there is a Kansas City, Kansas and a Kansas City, Missouri. And according to my quick Google right before the show, they are literally right next to each other.
VINNY: Oh, don’t like that.
JESSIE: And it’s the Kansas side that gets the hockey team.
ADAM: So, back to the main point. The Falcs have been sold to the Forbes Investment Group for a little over 850 million dollars. The NHL helped facilitate this sale and, according to the official press release, it was due primarily to the former owner’s health and lack of revenue being generated by ticket sales. The Falcs are set to be moved at the end of this season to their new home of Forbes Arena in Kansas City, and I assume they will be renamed. More details are sure to follow but that’s what we know now. What do you guys think?
VINNY: I think I feel really bad for a lot of loyal fans who just lost their team. I mean, the Yotes are still able to stay in Arizona because the league subsidizes them. They haven’t turned a profit in, well, ever. And they don’t even have an NHL standard stadium. Why are they allowed to continue and the Falcs just get ripped away from the people of Rhode Island?
ADAM: I think the league would argue that Arizona is an underserved market that could benefit from the NHL’s presence while Providence is the middle of an already saturated hockey market. You’ve got Boston just down the road. The three New York teams and New Jersey.
VINNY: I get that but this seems way too sudden.
JESSIE: I know last season we talked about a Reddit rumor about the Falcs moving but I know we –or at least I did– thought that it was just a rumor.
VINNY: How are you feeling, Jessie?
JESSIE: Not great. The thing about the Falcs is that their hockey was fun. In the early days it was explosive. Yes, it was a little rough at times and they hadn’t seen playoff success, but they were trying. They’re an expansion team and yes, I know the Aces and the Schooners have bamboozled people into thinking there can be quick turn around success with expansions teams, but those are outliers and should not be counted. It takes a long time to build a successful hockey team. And I just feel like the Falcs weren’t really given a chance. It just sucks.
ADAM: There has got to be more to this than what they’re telling us.
JESSIE: Oh without a doubt.
ADAM: Like the fact that this sale was kept this quiet for this long? That’s crazy. They just basically picked up a franchise and plopped it somewhere else without any bids or anything. At least not any public ones.
VINNY: But why announce it now? I mean, the Falcs still have this season to play. There is still the trade deadline and all those guys contracts. Those contracts don’t just go away. The team is still in the NHL right now.
ADAM: Probably to give the front office and the staff a head start on looking for new jobs if they’re not part of the move. I can’t imagine everyone is moving to Kansas.
VINNY: Not that there’s anything wrong with Kansas.
ADAM: There’s plenty wrong with Kansas.
JESSIE: I wonder how this will affect trades. I can’t imagine the players had much more of a heads-up then we did.
ADAM: According to Jen at TSVA the players were informed less than an hour before the press conference.
VINNY: Now that’s sh*tty. I get keeping things locked down but at least let the people who are the most impacted by this move know what is going on.
JESSIE: At least tell your Captain. Like if Mashkov had known he would be forced to move from Rhode Island to Kansas within a year do you think he would have signed that deal or risked the open market in free agency instead?
ADAM: Oo good question. I don’t know. That’s something to think on.
VINNY: Wait, does Mashkov still get to be Captain after the move?
JESSIE: I would assume so. Unless he waives his no-move and gets traded.
ADAM: Yeah, but it’s not like the Falcs can retain on him and that’s the only way that contract is going to move. Wait, can the Falcs retain on him? Because it’s a new team. So would the new team just have the old buyouts and retention as past obligations and then have a clean slate on retention and buyout spots?
JESSIE: No idea.
VINNY: Oh my head hurts. This is too much math. Or legal stuff. One or the other. Whatever it is, it’s too much.
ADAM: I know I’ve seen a few takes being mad that Mashkov didn’t speak to the media right away and I’m not sure where I fall on that.
VINNY: He should have talked. You want to wear the C, then act like the Captain. He’s not just a leader of the team, he’s the rep to the fans who need to hear from their Captain.
JESSIE: Now hold on a minute. I don’t agree with that at all. I think we’re forgetting that Mashkov is from Russia. English is his second language and he has stated, on the record, that when he gets angry he forgets his English. I think finding out on short notice that your team just got sold to some town in Kansas would make anyone pretty angry.
VINNY: Then curse out the reporters in Russian! I don’t care. Just say something.
ADAM: Now, now, I think I’m coming around to Jessie’s side on this one. If you know you can’t speak on something –literally as the case may be – then better to wait and form an articulate thought.
JESSIE: He did put out an Instagram statement later.
VINNY: Oh great. His agent probably wrote it.
ADAM: I’m sure the agents are all earning their fees. How many trade calls are coming in do we think?
JESSIE: So many. Just so many. Not so much the young guys like McCormick. But the vets? The guys who have lives and families who have set down roots in the area? I bet the phones are ringing off the hook. Boston is going to have their pick of the litter.
VINNY: Wait, is this new team going to be in the Eastern Conference or the Western Conference?
ADAM: I was going to say West but it would have to be East just for the number of teams, right?
JESSIE: I have a feeling we’re going to see some shuffling of the divisions next season.
VINNY: Oh, I don’t like that.
ADAM: Man, I hate that the Falcs couldn’t stay in Providence and a new team couldn’t have been created in Kansas. More teams in more markets. Come on, it’s just simple math. Two teams means twice the fans and twice the revenue streams. Man, what a bummer.
JESSIE: Trust me when I say I know exactly how you feel.
***
“I’m fine,” Tater assured Jack.
Jack shifted his phone as he scanned his card and began to make his way to the weights room.
“Really?” Jack asked. Tater had been radio silent since the announcement about the Kansas City move, to the point that even Jack had been concerned about the lack of incomprehensible memes that seemed to make no sense in either English or Russian. Jack knew because he had asked Orlov to explain one and the man had been equally perplexed.
“I know,” Tater told him, serious instead of jovial. An incongruent version of the Tater that Jack knew. “With contract they tell me. Is not forever. We go somewhere else. New start.”
Jack tucked the knowledge that Tater had apparently been aware of this blockbuster move for over a year and hadn’t once slipped, or indicated that something was up, into the back of his mind to examine later. Instead he asked, “How are the rest of the guys taking it?”
“Eh, some good, some bad. We go on. Still play. Is still hockey, yes? Still hockey in the NHL. Just different jersey. Like you, Zimmboni,” Tater chuckled.
“Yeah, like me,” Jack agreed with a small laugh.
“We still play against each other. I still make you look foolish,” Tater assured him.
“Let’s not go that far,” Jack lightly protested, as Keebler waived him down, pointing to his office. “Hey, Tater, I’ve got to go.”
“Go, go,” Tater bossed him over the phone. “We talk more soon.”
“Sure thing,” Jack assured his former teammate and ended the call.
“What’s up, Keebs?” Jack asked as he went into Keebler’s cramped office that was full of scattered papers and binders bursting at the seams. He wasn’t sure what a scout would need to talk to him but maybe it was about some of the soon to be former Falcs.
“Jack, you played for Samwell, right?” Keebler asked, already knowing the answer.
“Yes,” Jack replied, and waited.
“I want to get your thoughts on a few players,” Keebler said, gesturing for Jack to sit. Jack sat gingerly down in the only open chair in the crammed office, careful not to disturb the piles of papers on every available surface. Despite the pristine computer on the desk, it was apparent Keebler was a man who liked to do things the old fashion way. Paper, pen, and actual tape to play in numerous old TVs scattered on reinforced bookshelves.
“You played with William Poindexter, right?”
Jack nodded.
“Tell me about him. Not his play. I know his play. I mean his character. The type of stuff us old scouts may not be aware of,” Keebler elaborated. “He gonna cause trouble?”
“Um, well Dex is a hard worker,” Jack answered, “That’s the first thing you need to know about him. I know he worked on his uncle’s lobster boat to afford his gear growing up and he was always willing to put in the extra effort at practice or in the gym.”
“Good character, then?” Keebler asked.
“Yeah, he’s a good guy,” Jack assured the scout. Even if he and Dex hadn’t been the closest of teammates, he wasn’t going to tank his chances at potentially getting into the NHL. “He really cares.”
“Hmm,” Keebler hummed thoughtfully. “What about that goalie? Chow? Thoughts on him?”
“I think he and Holls would be friends,” Jack blurted out without thinking.
Keebler laughed, throwing his head back in delight. “Well, that’ll do it.”
“Are the Aces interested in them?” Jack couldn’t help but ask.
Keebler shook his head. “No, not right now. Our prospect pool is fairly deep. But a few other teams are sniffing around and a couple of old friends wanted my opinion on some of the up-and-coming college kids. Diamonds in the rough that didn’t get drafted. That sort of thing.”
Keebler rolled his shoulders, a joint painfully popping in the dead air of the office. “Wanted to get a better read on them as people. You know how important the locker room dynamics can be. Don’t want to recommend a guy who would tank moral.”
“Right,” Jack said, swallowing around a lump in his throat. “They’re good guys. Both of them. Any team would be lucky to have them.”
“That’s good to hear,” Keebler said, giving him a small and knowing smile. He nodded at the door. “Well, that’s all I need from you. I won’t keep you.”
Jack stood. “You’ll let me know, won’t you, Keebs? If teams are serious about them?”
“Sure,” Keebler said, easy as a lie.
Jack nodded again, not knowing what else to do, and left.
He was glad that some of the guys from Samwell might get a chance to break into the league. Prove that Jack wasn’t some anomaly from a no-name D-1 program because of his name. Instead, he would just be one of the other Samwell guys who made it. Maybe he would even be thought of as having paved the way.
But Jack could admit, at least to himself if not out loud, that he was glad the Aces weren’t looking at them. Selfishly Jack wanted to keep the two parts of himself separate. The Aces were his team. These were his guys. His Captain. His Kent. He didn’t want to share them with the Samwell guys.
Not that Dex and Chowder were bad or anything. They just weren’t Aces.
“Yo, Zim,” Manny called out, pulling Jack from his thoughts. “Come spot me.”
“Sure thing, Mans,” Jack replied, and shook off his thoughts about the league and Samwell. It was time to focus on the here and now, and the Aces run for back-to-back Cups. He couldn’t afford to be distracted by teams not his own.
“Another ten?” Jack asked as he came over to spot the defenceman.
“Yeah, man. Those Cane f*cks won’t know what hit ‘em,” Manny replied.
Jack grinned, all teeth.
“Hell yeah.”
***
Mem Cup for Life
Pat: sound off: who has the flu?
Brady: me
Brady: it’s awful. i can’t stop dripping
Trout: gross but also same
Parser: diseased f*cks
Gordie: don’t worry, we’re battling both the locker room crud and child born diseases over here
Zimmer: are you sure your kids aren’t getting kickbacks from the kings?
Gordie: for the last time zimmer, my children are not biological mercenaries hired by the la kings
Zimmer: i don’t believe you
Trout: glad to see zimmer is as wonderful as ever when he’s sick
Brady: i want chicken soup
Brady: and a new nose
Pat: best i can do is an iv drip of oj
***
“Now I want you to pay attention to the Caps blue line. See how they’re forcing teams away from the middle? We need to watch out for that,” Coach Burk concluded the video session, flicking the overhead lights on. “Any questions?”
Hollis raised his hand.
“Yes, Mr. Hollis?” Coach Burk sighed.
“Can I wear a cowboy hat?” Hollis asked.
Coach Burk paused as if to fully examine the words he had just heard, before simply asking, “What?”
“To the game,” Hollis clarified. “As back up.”
The rest of the room was riveted as twenty-two other hockey players watched the back and forth between the young goalie and the veteran coach.
“If Rosa approves,” Coach Burk said slowly, “I see no reason to object.”
Hollis did a small fist bump of victory before settling down.
“Anyone else?” Coach Burk looked around the room. “No? All right, I will see you gentleman on the plane.”
Benny leaned forward. “Why do you want to wear a cowboy hat? You trying to be a cowboy?”
“They’re generally called wranglers now,” Hollis replied. “And Jenny made me one.”
Benny leaned forward even more. “Why is Jenny Sun making you a hat?”
“Because we’re friends,” Hollis said, closing his notebook and standing up.
“You haven’t made me a hat,” Benny called at a retreating Hollis’s back.
“You don’t have the head for it,” Hollis chirped without looking back.
“Hey!” Benny protested as Kent snorted and Jack looked up the ceiling to avoid eye contact.
“Guess hats are only for best friends,” Kliner chirped. “Tough break, kid.”
“What the hell?!” Benny said, slumping back into his chair.
“Aww, did big baby get punked by the little baby?” Manny cooed, ruffling Benny’s hair as he passed him by. “I promise Mom and Dad still love you.”
“Who is dad?” Jack asked, certain it wasn’t going to be him.
“Swoops,” Halla interjected knowingly.
“Fair,” Jack nodded. “Wait. Then what am I?”
“Lame uncle,” Halla replied without hesitation.
Kent laughed so hard he had tears in his eyes.
“Can’t say you’re wrong,” Gordie nodded.
“You are grandpa,” Halla told the defenceman.
“I’m younger than Mom, Dad, and Uncle Lame Ass over there,” Gordie protested.
“It’s a state of mind,” Benny finally got his chirp in.
“Old man,” Kent managed to get out around his cackles. Jack grinned as Kent just lost it.
“Screw you and you,” Gordie groused, pointing at Kent and Jack. Then he pointed at Benny, “Children are exempt.”
“I’m twenty-one!” Benny yelped, as everyone shuffled out of the video review room, ignoring him. “Guys! I can vote and legally drink in the States and at home and everything.”
“Hmm, likely story,” Jack said, and ruffled a grumpy Benny’s hair as he passed by his liney.
“I’m an adult,” Benny pouted, crossing his arms and slumping into his chair, looking like the child he had been accused of being.
“Sure thing, kiddo,” Jack said in his best Good Ol’ Canadian Boy impression.
Kent gripped his shoulder as he all but doubled over laughing, and shuffled out of the room using Jack as his crutch.
“It wasn’t that funny,” Benny muttered from behind him, but Jack was too distracted by the way joy clung to Kent to respond.
***
Katie C. @katie_c_sunshine_lover
OMG!!!! YOU GUYS WILL NOT BELIEVE WHO I JUST RAN INTO!!!
Katie C. @katie_c_sunshine_lover
Okay so story time. After work you know how I like to go the National Gallery. You know, clear the mind, see some beautiful artwork, be reminded that there is wonder in the world. That whole thing.
Katie C. @katie_c_sunshine_lover
So anyway. I just had the worst day. Seriously, the WORST. Deadlines were moved up, paperwork went missing, and I spilled coffee all over my new cute blouse. Just awful.
Katie C. @katie_c_sunshine_lover
So I go to the National Gallery because your girl needs some perspective
Katie C. @katie_c_sunshine_lover
And who should I find but JENNY SUN AND HER HOCKEY PRINCE!!!!!
Katie C. @katie_c_sunshine_lover
OMG GUYS THEY ARE SO CUTE!!!
Katie C. @katie_c_sunshine_lover
And they were both so nice!!! Like Jenny is amazing and so kind and she helped fix my hair. Guys, I almost cried. And Kevin is just so sweet. He apparently was in town for a game. Did you guys know that DC has a hockey team??? Who knew!
Katie C. @katie_c_sunshine_lover
I took this photo of them and Jenny said it was cool if I posted it. So enjoy!
[image292.jpeg a photo taken in the National Gallery but the gallery looks deserted except for two people who have their backs to the camera. Kevin Hollis stands in a button down flannel shirt and jeans next to Jenny Sun who is wearing Kevin Hollis’s custom leather jacket from the Winter Classic. They are wearing matching black cowboy hats with a beaded band featuring aces on them. They stand side by side holding hands as they look at a floor to ceiling abstract painting done in blues, purples, and greens.]
Sunshinve Luver @sunshine_luver_90
@katie_c_sunshine_lover OMG!!! YOU ARE SO LUCKY
Jen Fan @jennymccourty99382910
@katie_c_sunshine_lover OMG, I recognize that hat!!! I was at the game!!! Kevin was wearing that hat on the bench during the game!!!
Teflon Pan @theteflonispanandsoami
@katie_c_sunshine_lover Oh they are so dating. Matching hats? She’s wearing his jacket? That has his name on it?!?! #married
***
[Instagram post from @Jenny_Sunshine: a selfie of JENNY SUN nestled close to KEVIN HOLLIS. Both of them are wearing matching black leather hats with white beaded aces along the band. The photo is taken at a dramatic angle with both JENNY SUN and KEVIN HOLLIS looking serious and mysterious, and the photo is in black and white. The caption simply reads, “I’m your Huckleberry.”]
***
“Holls, you alright?” Kent asked as they stretched on the Canes’ ice during pre-game warm-ups. Back-to-backs with travel were brutal for anyone but especially rookies. Even though he had been backup last night against the Caps –who the Aces neatly shut out in a 3-0 win– it wouldn’t be shocking if Hollis was struggling under the weight of a full NHL season.
Hollis didn’t reply. He anxiously looked around as if searching for something. His helmet pulled up to rest on the top of his head and his gloves off.
“Holls?” Kent asked again, now more concerned.
Then Hollis suddenly skated out a few feet away from his net, cupped his hands to his mouth, and let out a shockingly convincing bird call.
He paused for a moment, looking up and around in expectation, before letting out another thrill.
Then, as if they were in some nature film, a small sparrow flew out of the rafters and came to perch on Hollis’s outstretched hand.
“Hey, little guy,” Hollis cooed. “You don’t want to be here. Let’s get you somewhere nicer.”
The bird co*cked its brown and tan head, examining the goalie with great interest and let out an inquiring chirp.
Hollis smiled. “You’re very lovely.”
Then he skated over to the trainers, the bird content to be ferried by the young goalie, and surrendered his flying friend to Carol who had the look of a long-suffering saint.
Bird secured by staff, Hollis skated back to his net like nothing unusual had happened.
“What?” he asked once he realized half the team was staring at him.
“What the hell was that?” Benny asked on behalf of the entire team.
“Didn’t you hear him?” Hollis asked, puzzled. “He must have a nest in the rafters.”
“No.” Benny spoke slowly. “I did not hear a bird over warm-ups. Because no one heard a bird. Except you.”
Hollis shrugged, utterly unbothered.
“Never beating the Disney Prince allegations now,” Kent chirped as he went back to stretching his hamstrings.
“What? What do you mean?” Hollis asked, looking around.
Jack just pointed over to the glass where a group of teenage girls and young women were all cooing and swooning at Hollis. Half of them had signs referring to Hollis as their hockey prince.
Hollis went bright red and ducked his head into his jersey.
“You guys seriously didn’t hear him?” Hollis asked, anxiously looking around like a comically young and large leatherback turtle.
“Not all of us have your superior hearing,” Jack chirped with a grin.
“Yeah, because you’re old,” Benny interjected.
Jack rolled his eyes as Gordie performed a short hockey stop spraying ice all over Benny who squawked in protest.
“Sorry, couldn’t hear you. You know, cause I’m so old,” Gordie said with a perfectly straight face as Jack and Kent laughed at their indigent liney.
***
hollis’s bees
who had random bird on the hollis wildlife rescue bingo card? hollis just rescued a bird from the canes
#aces lb
ace of base
i love how the aces love each other. just a bunch of good time guys
#aces lb
fourthline is worth my time
love how the aces are distracting us with warm up shenanigans because they know tonight is going to be a bloodbath. first game against the canes in the canes' barn on the second half of a back to back and the canes are rested? i too am pretending it’s not going to suck by looking at everyone teasing the baby goalie
#ace lb
sunshine time
this is my first hockey game! is there usually wildlife???
#hockey #aces lb #las vegas lb #am i doing this right? #jenny posted a good luck post for the prince on his game tonight #and i thought i’d watch now that they’re dating #like i know they haven’t officially announced it #but after the dc date they’re totally dating #and it’s good to support the boy toy #since he seems to be sticking around
***
“Eric, you have the stats?” Tracy asked, eyeing the ice from her position above the stands. “Once Besser scores his 250th goal I want the graphic ready to go.”
“Got it,” Bitty replied, snapping to attention, a laptop and three different phones open before him. “Do you really think he’ll score tonight?”
“He’d better,” Tracy muttered under her breath, before saying, “There’s a good chance. Tired team versus a well rested team. They’ve got the infant in net. It should be fine.”
“But–,” Bitty began to say, recalling that the Canes hadn’t exactly done well against the rookie goaltender. Or the Aces.
Tracy glared at him, causing his words to fall off into nothingness.
“They’re going to do fine,” Tracy forced out with a false cheerful smile.
Bitty forced a smile back. “Right. Yes. Of course. Go team.”
It was not fine.
The first period ended in a stalemate of 0-0 but it was clear the Aces, the road team, were running the Canes show.
“Tweet out the first period score graphic,” Tracy said through gritted teeth and a smile pinned into place.
Bitty did as he was told.
***
caniac sideblog
well this road to redemption game blows
#canes lb #not liking those sog numbers #10 to the aces 17 #like guys #be serious
hollis’s bees
great first period! and we got a benny intermission interview!
#aces lb
rage against the dying of the night
okay guys i’m back from practice! looks like i didn’t miss much. except apparently hollis rescued a bird??? pls tell me someone gifed that
#aces lb #you’re telling me hollis went full disney prince and I missed it?! #i am the most persecuted girl in the world
***
The second period started off much like the first and devolved from there. Hard checks with follow through that could be felt through the shoulder and spine. Slashes and hooking when the refs weren’t looking so they went uncalled. A full court press of a game.
The Aces were playing smart and the Canes were playing desperate.
Not even halfway through the second Besser forced a turnover and suddenly it was a two on one going towards the Aces net.
Halla took away the pass and Hollis briefly blinked his eyes. Hard. So fast Jack thought he was imagining it.
It was too similar to the Detroit game when everything had fallen apart and even as Jack rushed to the defensive zone he feared the game was about to turn against them.
But then, as if he were reading their minds, Hollis moved and, almost without looking, snagged the puck out of the air.
“Are you f*cking kidding?” Zeber yelled, the two on one now wasted.
“Thank you, come again,” Hollis chirped in a customer service voice as the rest of the Aces swarmed the net.
The ref blew the play dead and Jack skated to the face-off circle.
Less then five minutes later the Canes created another two on one and it was Besser this time who took his chances against Hollis.
Once again it was as if Hollis knew exactly where the man was going to shoot.
He raised his blocker, the puck turning away from the net, and Manny got the rebound sending everyone scrambling down the ice.
***
“You have got to be kidding me,” Tracy let out, gripping the railing of the media box with her talons.
“How is he doing that?” Bitty asked, amazed as the Aces goalie deflected and blocked shot after shot after shot.
“The devil,” Tracy muttered darkly, glaring down at the ice.
Bitty skootched a few inches away from her.
***
hollis’s bees
HOLLIS INTERMISSION INTERVIEW. THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!!!
#aces lb
rage against the dying of the night
got the hollis interview video! forgive the quality i was recording it with my phone lol
hollis_intermission_canesvacesdec2017.vid
[REPORTER: Kevin, those were some pretty impressive saves out there. Especially those two on ones. Tell us what you were thinking. How do prepare for something like that?
KEVIN HOLLIS: Well, after the Detroit game I started watching more tape and noticing the patterns of the guys and where they shot and when they had chances like breakaways, two on ones, or even three on ones. If there are enough times that the combination of guys has been the same on the ice I can usually figure out where they’re going to shoot based on that. Most of them aren’t very creative.
REPORTER: So you’re predicting in the moment on the ice who is going to shoot where. And you’ve been right every time tonight. That’s incredibly impressive.
KEVIN HOLLIS: I mean, I’m just doing my job.
REPORTER: And you’ve been doing a fantastic job. Thanks for taking the time to talk with us, Kevin.
KEVIN HOLLIS: Sure thing.]
#aces lb #kevin hollis #i love him #what a freak #yeah i’m just doing some beautiful mind sh*t #but it’s fine it’s cool #totally normal actually #just doing my job
sunshine time
okay i can totally get why jenny is into the hockey prince now
#aces lb #sweet #smart but doesn’t seem to realize how smart #good with animals and kids #high paying job #looks like that #jenny has excellent taste
***
“Hey Eric,” Tammy said, popping into the Canes media box, “There you are! Dennis needs you for that thing.”
Tammy nodded towards the door as Tracy muttered darkly beside him. She had snatched two of his work phone away from him already.
“Right,” Bitty said, scrambling up and grabbing his laptop. “The thing. For Dennis.”
“I’m just gonna snag Eric from you real quick, Trac,” Tammy smiled, bright and casual. Tracy waved a hand of acknowledgement and Bitty all but bolted out of the box.
“Thanks,” Bitty said once they were out of earshot.
“Shutout games are the worst,” Tammy told him as she ushered them both into the elevator. “You’ve got to learn how to get out of Tracy’s eyesight during those. You can do all your work from the office for this type of stuff. And make Jonah do their fair share of it.”
“Oh well, Jonah said they had an emergency,” Bitty trailed off.
Tammy did not look impressed. “Again? For the third Saturday game in a row?”
Bitty ducked his head a little.
“Do you really think it’ll be a shutout? There’s still a period left,” Bitty asked.
“That Hollis kid,” Tammy said, thoughtful in a way that went beyond the corporate. “He’s something special. The Aces tend to get great goaltending and this is no different. My money would be on the Aces tonight.”
Bitty made a face. “Isn’t that–I don’t know. Disloyal?”
Tammy snorted. “Eric, this is a business. We can be fans of the game, but you’ve got to have more objectivity about the team if you’re going to work for, and with, them. It’s the only way to properly manage them. Know their strengths and weaknesses. If the boys want an ego boost there are plenty of lonely women waiting to stroke their egos and their dicks. We are not among them.”
“Miss Tammy,” Eric gasped, delighted.
“Piece of advice,” Tammy said, as she held the elevator door open as Bitty stepped out to his floor, her dreads were wrapped around her head in a braided crown making her appear like a long ago queen. “There’s no such thing as loyalty in this business. Don’t make that mistake.”
Bitty nodded, a little unsure.
Tammy smiled, brief but there, and let the door close.
***
Going into the third they were still in an awful stalemate of 0-0. Jack could credit the Canes goalie, one of their new Russians, for standing on his head. Credit it but also resent it with every fiber of his being.
“We need a f*cking goal,” Kent spat out, quite literally with a mouthful of water.
“We can get around their D. That’s not the problem,” Benny said. “It’s that damn goalie.”
“New guy luck,” Kent commiserated.
“I think if we can go five hole we might get it,” Jack offered. “He looks tired. He’ll be slower on the come down.”
“f*ck it. Might as well try it,” Kent agreed, rolling his shoulders as they prepared for his next shift. “Five hole. Anyone of us has the shot, take it.”
Jack nodded firmly as Benny agreed vehemently with a, “You got it.”
On their next shift they got their chance. Kent streaked ahead, drawing the defenders to him before doing a sick backhanded pass between his legs, sending the puck straight to Jack’s stick. Jack fired the puck right through the slot to Benny who had maneuvered to be net front and Benny, with the grace of a dive-bombing pigeon, went five hole.
It went in.
Jack slammed into Benny, screaming in delight and relief as the Canes players attempted to complain that their goalie had been interfered with.
The rest of the Aces soon came to give Benny his well-earned congratulations As the celebration pile began to break apart Kent called out, “Let’s lock it down, boys!”
Jack looked up at the clock. Two minutes and thirty seconds remaining.
Kliner was hanging over the bench, a mad dog look in his eyes, as his line prepared for the last line shift. Flanked by Volkov and Orlov it was clear the shutdown line was willing to go the distance to preserve their goalie’s shutout.
Jack grinned.
***
Las Vegas Aces ♠️ @LasVegasAcesNHL
No Goal! Tukkahsha and Hollis record back-to-back shutouts on the road!
[image55.jpeg of Matthew Tukkahsha and Kevin Hollis, both in their goalie gear without their helmets, standing back to back with their arms crossed and looking into the camera. Across the bottom of the graphic are stamped the words BACK-TO-BACK SHUTOUTS. And then COMBINED FOR 107 SAVES.]
***
TISHA: Welcome back everyone, to your favorite hockey podcast Stick It! A podcast made up of four women with lots of opinions, some of them about hockey, and all obviously correct. I’m Tisha, and today I am the hockey cliché four strong lines. Even though we won’t be four strong today sadly, because Katie is busy celebrating the birth of her nephew. Which isn’t sad but does mean she won’t be joining us today. But she will be back next episode.
EVA: I’m Eva and today I am the hockey cliché play the body.
JJ: Oo, that’s a good one. I’m JJ and the hockey cliché I most embody today is get pucks deep.
TISHA: Excellent choices, ladies. I’m very proud.
EVA: Thank you.
JJ: We do try.
TISHA: So in Aces news, the Aces are having a really great start to December, which we are about halfway through when you factor in the brief Christmas holiday break. Which, you know I have my issues with the fact that the NHL takes off for a Christian holiday but not any other religion’s holiday, once again forcing non-Christians to compromise their own religious traditions for no good reason. But back to the Aces. They haven’t lost a single game since November 28th and oh, it feels so good. Most impressive part of it, go!
JJ: The back-to-back shutouts by our goalies. Tukkey showing the rookie how it’s done against the Caps and then Kevin proving that he is full of magic the next night against the Canes. It was especially impressive considering the Canes were, as every hockeyman wanted to remind us, looking for revenge. And to that I just have to say: look harder.
EVA: That was going to be my first choice too. But in an effort to introduce variety into the ecosystem of podcast opinions I will say it has been the blue line. Each pairing has really been clicking and I was looking at the ice time and it seems like Coach B has been using these guys pretty evenly across the board. Everyone is playing around twenty minutes a night which means our blue line is solid and pretty evenly distributed in terms of impact. Just nice to see especially after the 2014 d-man drought.
JJ: Ugh, don’t remind me. Barkov was on the second pair then.
TISHA: Gross, gross, and gross. My favorite part has got to be the third line really coming into their own. Coach B didn’t mess with the first line in the off season, even with the injuries, but he did make changes to the other lines and I think we’re beginning to see how well these lines are working. Kliner has always been a strong shutdown center but he hasn’t always had the wingers to match him or his skill set. Orlov and Volkov had really proven to be versatile. Able to play the second line to generate offense if necessary but really finding a home on that third line with Kliner as their anchor.
EVA: One thing I love about that third line is that Orlov and Volkov are so much taller than Kliner that at times it looks like a little mob boss with his two Russian enforcers.
JJ: Ha! You’re right. Mafia AU based on the Aces lines when?
TISHA: Oo, idea. Each line of the Aces as a fictional trope or theme.
EVA: Well the Killer Line should be changed to the Two Dumb Dads Doing Their Best and Their Dumb Baby Boy.
JJ: Very much Two Men and a Baby.
EVA: Oh my God! Yes, exactly! Thank you. Why was my brain struggling so hard to come up with that? Nevermind, not important.
TISHA: I’ll buy that. The second line is giving me spy movie vibes for some reason.
JJ: I’m thinking more like a heist film more then a spy one. Mostly because a heist film is a collection of misfits whereas spies are like incredibly smart and put together. And I would not trust that second line with a computer.
TISHA: You’re so right. Heist is much more fitting. Way more hijinks involved.
EVA: I think it fits because Troy is like the mastermind of the line and probably knows how to read.
JJ: I do believe he can read books. Like real ones. With chapters. Not just picture books.
EVA: So Troy is the guy calling the shots on how to steal something or break into a casino.
TISHA: Perfect. The Conman Line is a go. And the third line we already discussed is the Mafia movie. What about the fourthline?
EVA: Dungeons of despair.
JJ: Haha, oh no. I’m was thinking like violent Teletubbies.
TISHA: I was thinking like a made for TV movie from the early 2000s. You know, like one that was on the Disney Channel. Like Luck of the Irish which was actually super offensive in hindsight. Something that’s just a little bit off but you don’t know why until you’re older.
EVA: So many options.
JJ: We can come back to it. There’s definitely a right answer.
TISHA: Do we want to do the d-pairs?
EVA: I feel like the d-men are just all in some sitcom like Friends. Like they’re bursting into each other’s houses slash apartments. They’re getting involved in weird but harmless situations. They all have a b-plot involving something like an animal or a vegetable.
JJ: Yes, yes, and yes. Like the episodes would be like The One In Which Manny Gets Married and The One Where Halla Gets Stuck On The Boston MTA and just rides around because he doesn’t know how to get off.
EVA: I can’t believe I forgot about the Boston train incident of Halla’s rookie year. Iconic.
TISHA: Love it. I would watch five seasons and a movie of this.
JJ: So in other Aces news—
TISHA: Is this about our baby boy Kevin Hollis?
JJ: Yes.
TISHA: Okay, great. Sorry for interrupting. Go ahead.
JJ: So Hollis, our lovely baby goalie, has been making headlines as he does. He was spotted with the ever glamorous Jenny Sun in DC on apparently a romantic date to view great works of art at the National Gallery and they even had matching date night hats. Which Hollis then wore on the bench that night as the backup and Jenny wore hers in the stands, and I swear Aces PR nearly wet themselves with how many clips of Jenny at the game they posted.
EVA: Not just any hats. For those of our listeners who haven’t seen the photos, these are custom-made black leather cowboy hats and around the–. It’s not the brim. The part around where the little mound comes up? What is that called?
JJ: Oh, oh, I know this one! Pick me! Pick me!
EVA: The floors is yours.
JJ: It’s called the band and the part right above it is called the break. And I want you all to know that I know this because I dated a real life milliner for a full month. So in my obviously expert opinion I can tell you those hats were expensive. But anyway, Eva, you were saying.
EVA: So at the break –thank you, JJ – there is the most gorgeous band of beading that was apparently done by one of the Native American tribes in the area. And the beaded band is in black and white, with the main background being white and these perfectly spaced spades done in black beads. A fan took a picture of them wearing them on their date, and then Jenny posted a picture on her own accounts of her and Kevin wearing them. And as much as we love Kevin, he is very much not the more famous person in that relationship.
JJ: Jenny’s getting in on the ground floor and I, for one, respect it.
TISHA: This whole saga of events sent the Twitter and Instagram worlds into an utter tizzy. Friends who know I watch hockey but don’t watch it themselves were constantly sending me posts like “do you know this boy?” And it’s like, um ah, yes, I know him, he’s kinda a big deal, but um, I think I’m going to have to gatekeep him from you. See, he’s just a baby and a goalie which makes him extra baby and I just don’t know if you’re ready for this. Okay, thanks, by.
EVA: Apparently the Jenny stans –who scare me a little, not gonna lie– have dubbed Hollis The Hockey Prince. Which was just reinforced by Hollis calling an actual real life bird to him during warmups with the Canes.
JJ: Full on Disney sh*t.
EVA: Let me say that again in case you missed it. Hollis called a real life bird to his hand like it was the most normal thing in the world to do. Just at a hockey game like, you know what this game needs? Whimsy and animal sidekicks.
TISHA: Like who can fight that? And as a hockey player it’s like, oh you’re going to try and score on the little prince who was promised. Get real.
JJ: Did you guys see Hollis’s intermission interview during the Canes game?
TISHA: Yes! And I’m so glad you brought it up.
JJ: For those of you missed it, Hollis apparently is a literal genius because he was just casually like, “oh yeah, I watched a bunch of tape and then came up with a mathematical formula that factors in behavior to accurately predict where these guys are going to shoot. Haha, no big deal, all in a day’s work.”
EVA: I just picture one of those montages from those movies about math geniuses where all the numbers are floating around. That’s Hollis in his net.
TISHA: I honestly do not think Hollis realizes how smart he is.
EVA: Well we know according to Aces media that Hollis thinks he’s normal.
JJ: Nope. False. Incorrect. Do not pass Go, do not collect 200 dollars.
TISHA: It’s okay, he has Brandon there to drag Hollis down to his level.
EVA: I love them.
JJ: I think what I love most about the Brandon and Kevin situation is that both of these guys are clearly more intelligent than your average hockey player. When separate. But then you put them together and it’s like the IQ just fully bottoms out.
EVA: Their one braincell each cancels each other out upon close contact. Just full zero-sum information retained.
TISHA: I just like to imagine them driving around Vegas in Hollis’s awful bright orange minivan listening to the worst music you have ever heard and being full Canadian hockey dirtbags. Like there is gross hockey gear in the back that hasn’t been washed all season, there are a thousand empty waterbottles in the backseat, and they keep laughing at the dumbest grossest jokes.
JJ: I don’t think that’s a dream. That’s true. I think you were granted the third eye to see the truth of these boys and their gross car singalongs.
EVA: And their high-five thing.
TISHA: Ugh, these assholes. Being adorable and having their own personal little high five routine when they win and you just know they think it’s the coolest thing ever.
EVA: They one hundred percent brainstormed it and practiced it before they unleashed it on all of us.
TISHA: Just a full montage of high-fiving attempts.
EVA: Speaking of content designed to personally attack me.
TISHA: Oh god, I saw this on the outline and shouted “No” into my empty apartment. Go ahead, Eva.
EVA: So the Aces PR people decided to interview a few of the Aces actual children, not just their rookies, and ask a few questions. You know, feel good stuff.
JJ: Go on.
EVA: So they have little Alexander Rodgers who I am convinced is the sassiest child on this earth. Anyway, they asked him who his favorite babysitter of his dad’s teammates is? Now everyone expects him to say Kevin. I would have put money on that and you know I am fundamentally against gambling. But he says it’s Dima and Igor, also known as Volkov and Orlov. Naturally the reporter asked the follow-up of, “it’s not Kevin?” And this child, totally serious, goes, “Kev isn’t a babysitter, he’s my brother.”
TISHA: Straight through the heart. I am wounded. I am weak.
JJ: How dare they. How dare they do this to us.
EVA: Right? Naturally, the Gorman children asserted their place in the hierarchy of cuteness with their answers as well. So Julie’s favorite babysitters are Uncle Jack and Uncle Kent. Which, props to these kids for having the highest paid player in hockey cutting your grilled cheese sandwiches into triangles for you or whatever. But Catherine, who is normally pretty quiet, just said “Kit.”
TISHA: Ha!
JJ: Not even a hockey player. But the hockey player’s cat. Respect.
TISHA: To be fair, I would trust Kit with most tasks including watching children.
EVA: They’re basically large kittens who can’t groom themselves or hunt for sh*t. Perfect for a pampered Vegas kitty to watch over.
JJ: Considering Kit seems to like less then ten people –which is icon behavior– and the Gorman kids make up half of them, I think she would be watchful and protective of her hairless babies.
EVA: Oh, before we end I did want to mention news from elsewhere in the NHL.
TISHA: Of course! The podcast floor is yours.
EVA: The Providence Falconers have been murdered.
JJ: Oh yeah, they really have.
TISHA: And we’re not talking about their gameplay. Which, obligatory, FALCS SUCK! Go ahead.
EVA: So the Falcs have been sold which–pause. Can we all agree that the whole hush hush under the table sale was super f*cking weird?
TISHA: So weird. I don’t know if you guys have read Jen’s article yet but it is killer, and she really picks at how damn shady this whole thing is.
EVA: And I’m sorry, but Kansas. Are you f*cking kidding me? Kansas gets a hockey team before Wisconsin? It’s a joke.
JJ: I just feel so bad for the fans. Talk about being stabbed in the back.
TISHA: Who are they supposed to root for now? The Bruins? The Rangers? Gross.
EVA: We should come up with new team names on our next show.
TISHA: Heck yeah we should. I am writing it down right now so I don’t forget it. Okay, well that’s all I had on the outline for today’s episode. We’ll be back after Christmas when the Dads Trip–no, wait, shoot. It’s called the Mentor’s Trip now. I always mess this up because all the other teams call it the Dad’s Trip. Okay, let’s do that again. Well be back when the Mentor’s Trip is due to kick off.
JJ: DILF action for days.
EVA: I apologize in advance to our listeners for who we are about to become.
TISHA: Thanks for listening! We’ll see you next time.
***
hockey poetry for dummies
[a photo of the Las Vegas Aces bench during a game, Kent Parson leaning over, hand cupped over his mouth, as he whispers something into an attentive and intense Jack Zimmermann’s ear, with the words “Whisper a dangerous secret” typed across it]
[a photo of Kent Parson in his Winter Classic jersey embracing Jack Zimmermann in an exuberant hug on the ice, with the words “to someone you care about.” typed across it]
[a photo of Jack Zimmermann going down on one knee to fire the puck straight at a blurred out-of-focus goalie, with the words “Now they have the power to destroy you,” typed across it]
[a photo of Kent Parson skating at breakneck speed down the ice, the opposing team’s players are blurs of color around him, as Kent Parson is focused, his blue eyes fierce, with the words “but they won’t.” typed across it]
[a photo of Jack Zimmermann and Kent Parson standing next to each other after a play has been called dead, both their eyes are closed as they tap their helmets together, lingering for just a moment, with the words “That’s what love is.” typed across it]
#hockey #hockey poetry #Welcome to Nightvale #jack zimmermann #kent parson #190 #las vegas aces #i didn’t forget about you 190 girlies #the most faithful of hprf fans #clocking in at the yaoi factory for over a decade #this one’s for you
